Man, one of the hardest things in this whole living-with-awareness thing is coming to grips with your own habits and motivations. Because let me tell you, even the most honest of us, even those of us with the worst ability to lie (and I'm one of them), are brilliant at lying to ourselves. We find so much comfort in these stories that we really, really, really believe them.
Until we can't. And that realization hurts--like pulling the world's stickiest band-aid off the world's hairiest limb. Sometimes it hurts so much you can't even rip it off in one cruel, but merciful, yank. You have to soak it and work at it, pulling it off little by little.
(Okay. Enough--too early in the a.m. for band-aid metaphors...).
But you get the idea. We're so nestled into these lies we've told ourselves over and over that we leave a lie-shaped indentations when we finally extricate ourselves from the damn things. And it sucks. It feels like a hangover and the flu and being hit by a slow-moving train all at once.
But the good news is you come out the other side intact, and maybe just a bit lighter, if sore in places. That heals, trust me. And you'll be a better human to yourself for that miserable journey.