I had another more-or-less sleepless night to add to the collection, but I did have a realization while staring into space, running again and again over the timeline of my life--one of the reasons I'm so hesitant to commit to anything is because I'm afraid of being unavailable for whatever else happens to be out there.
I have a strong suspicion I'm not alone in this--we're so afraid of being unavailable to someone, of not being what they need, that we forget who we are, if we ever knew in the first place (but surely we did, didn't we?). This was my middle-of-the-night realization--I have no idea who I am because I tried for so long to be whatever was needed so that I'd fit in, be accepted, be valued.
The question, of course, is how to stop? How to put on the brakes without causing a massive pileup, how to look around and figure out who the hell you are and how the heck you got here. Maybe just the intention is enough. Let's hope so, because I'm looking forward to some sleep sometime soon.