I have spent a lifetime trying to heal myself and, through that pursuit, have done little but make myself sicker. So, in the hopes of healing from my so-called healing, I've had to drop perfectionism, which as many of you will know, is no easy task. It's a decision that has to be made daily, certainly, hourly sometimes. It's a burden I wouldn't wish on anyone, and if you're out there in the midst of this battle too, then I'm so sorry and know that I know how very hard it is.
To come out the other side, you have to go through the exceedingly difficult task of unlearning: unlearning food rules; unlearning rules about rest and about busyness; unlearning perceptions and standards of beauty; unlearning that to be memorable, you have to be the best, the smartest, the thinnest, the strongest. You have to walk away from conversations, from friends, from awkward situations. You have to learn to say no, and you have to teach yourself that 'no' is a full sentence, all on its own.
And, finally, you have to admit to yourself, and to anyone who will listen, that you're not always strong enough to make it through a day or through agreed-upon plans, and that when you're tired you have to go to bed. Some days it doesn't seem like you'll make it at all--it's on those days that I realize I'm looking too far into the future and that the only way back is to lie down and to breathe.