I put my foot in my mouth on a daily basis, and if I manage to avoid that pitfall, it's ridiculously easy to tell what I'm thinking (read: feeling) even when I don't speak. On one hand, it makes it almost impossible for me to lie and pretty much ensures that I'll show up authentically--for better or for worse--whether I like it or not. On the other hand, it makes me a terrible diplomat and, probably, a rubbish party guest where small talk is the done thing.
I've also found--and perhaps you're the same way?--that this inability to hide almost anything made me, at first, enormously trusting of face-values. Now? A lifetime later? I alternate between complete trust and wild suspicion. It's all in the vibe. I guess trying to impress others is always a waste of time and energy and--let's be honest--trust.
So, how to deal? I don't know. I think it goes back to yesterday's post--show up as the change, faults and all. So what if I can't hide anything? Why try? Sure, it might result in a reputation for aloofness, for intolerance or causticity. Those are my shortcomings and if I don't embrace them now, then I've got some long, frustrating years ahead of me. All I can do is try. All I can do is pause in as many moments as I remember to and call upon the compassion and empathy that stand hidden behind the sharp edge of honesty and authenticity. Do I always get it right? Um, hell no. Almost never, as a matter of fact. But it doesn't stop me getting up in the morning, apologizing as sincerely and as often as needed, and trying again. But I'm done disliking myself, my reactions, my face in the world. So I may live a life with only a cat for company. That's okay. I'll keep trying and I'll keep sleeping at night.