Deep peace of the quiet earth to you. 

What you need.

August 27, 2019

 

I'm always hesitant to ask for what I need, whether it's more time on a project, for more information, or even for someone to come and unclog my sink. Is this a gender thing? Somehow I doubt it, not universally anyway, but I definitely do feel the  pressure of my gender. Either way, I've begun to realize that, for all my brashness and idiosyncrasy and balls-to-the-wall attitude in other areas of my life, in this, I'm cowed and chronically, anxiously timid. 

 

Where does this timidity come from? Certainly it has something to do with self-confidence, something to do with our inherent sense of self-worth. But what's the cart and what's the horse? Who taught us this or, better question, when did we teach ourselves that it's better to be unsure, to be anxious, to be in pain rather than to ask for help? 

 

And why, why do we let those with the power of the answer, of the expertise, belittle or even bully us? Why on earth, and when on earth, did we decide it was okay to allow them to get away with it? When did we lose our voice? When did we decide the better part of valor was *not* to speak up for ourselves? 

 

If you need help, you need help. If you need an answer, you need an expert. You cannot know or do everything on your own, perfectly, every time--as much as you wish it were so (believe me--I always wish it were so). And you know? It pisses me off, this whole imbalance and abuse of small powers. But I think what pisses me off more is my willingness to stay silent for so long or to label myself weak or needy or burdensome by asking for what I need.

 

 

 

 

 

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