Deep peace of the quiet earth to you. 

To hope for the best.

September 23, 2019

 

I have gained very little in my life from my in-born propensity for pessimism, from my habit of focusing on the negative. And though I have tried to wrench myself toward optimism, toward a more positive outlook, it's never stuck.

 

And I wonder why I'm so often crippled by anxiety (I don't wonder, actually...).

 

Do you know what it is? Why I can't seem to shift my outlook? Because it feels fake. Because it feels like, if I hope for and believe in the best, that I'll be constantly disappointed, and my fear is that that disappointment will lead to worse anxiety, eventually spiraling into depression. 

 

Ha! This is obviously NOT the inner monologue of an optimist.

 

But anyway, here's my plan. I'm going to try one more time. Even if it feels like I'm faking it. Even if there's no feeling of belief or conviction behind it, I'm going to try to shift to the positive. Every time my brain launches a negative attack, a worst-case-scenario, I'm going to counter it with something positive, with best-case, and I'm going to try to shove a little belief into that corner. It feels, right now, like lying. It feels, right now, like losing myself.

 

But then, that's always how it feels to abandon an addiction.

 

 

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